Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
