I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
