a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
