Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
