All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize