Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
