No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
