she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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