I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
