if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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