i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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