I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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