I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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