I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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