he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
