Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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