I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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