Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
