I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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