he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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