Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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