Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
