please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
