Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
