there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
