I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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