Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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