someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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