the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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