I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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