I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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