I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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