Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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