we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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