all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
