there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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