Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
