meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
