The maid of honor just puked.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
