They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
