she woke up with a sticky ear
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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