apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
