that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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