He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
