i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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