If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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