I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
