Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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