if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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