She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
