Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
