My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
