if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
