My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
