And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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