When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
