Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
